Not sure

I'm not really sure what to write right now.  I'm laying in bed trying to think of something to say.  And I really don't have a lot.  I'm choosing to be positive, but sometimes it seems like such a struggle. 

You want to say something mean, angry, antagonistic or worse - truthful - but it's all negative.  So on the high side, I guess I should talk about all things new and exciting with me.

This morning I was up at 5:15am to meet my workout buddy at the gym.  I did a little stair master and then hit the weights.  I'm sore.  But good uncomfortable sore.  

Today I had a couple site meetings but the great one was when I used my mad networking skills to convinced the contractor to wait for the boss and I to get to the site; and I even found a spot to put the box so that it was not unsightly for our development.  Not just another pretty  face;).

That's about all I got.  The day went on and I think it's time for me to sleep on it so I can gym again tomorrow.  I have a big day.  It's my doctor's appointment and for once, I cannot wait to get some really amazing news.  Everyone gets a second chance; it's called tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to it.

Whoa. Bedtime

Ok I totally want to post something - cause I told myself I would - but I'm tanked.  I'm going to bed, up at 515am and to the gym.  Check in tomorrow.  Nighty night and sweet dreams.

Cold September Day

"...and as I sat there on that dreary November day, it was clear to me that I was lacking in my own heart work," is a line that I just read in "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.  Except imagine September, and I'm agreeing. And maybe it's me that critical and cynical of myself and I reflect that in my mirror.  My complaints aren't about you, they are the imbalance or lack of love I have for myself.  They are my own criticisms and perceived downfalls.  I'm fighting myself. 

I've been saying that this is the problem that really needs fixing.  So I'm glad things fell into line and this landed in my lap.  I guess it means that life agrees with me and I'm heading in the right directions - at least that's how I'm taking it.  😉  The universe is on my side right now and who am I to argue?!

So my morning today:  the restaurant was broken into last night 😣.  However, while I woke B and he headed to deal with everything at 4am like a ROCKSTAR, and then he was home and up again for little's lacrosse at 730am - GO DAD - and then home at 1030am. 

Best part of my morning: the 11am kiss when he rolled back into the room to try to grab a couple hours sleep.  I got up anyways and we're on opposite schedules right now, but he really is just that wonderful.  

Couldn't have said it any better myself.  Go on with your bad selves.  Enjoy your Sunday Funday peeps!

Commitments

So I found its really easy to wake up one day and want to change.  But the better question is really - how do I make that change happen?  Where do I start, what changes do I make, how do I make them, how will I know if its the right change, and on and on - you see how this can go, right?

Well funny you might think that, because change is just starting to happen and not only that, but its just coming to me in the form I want.  It's like the energy and the things I wants to love about myself again are wanting to come back to me because I want them.  Not only want them, I'm believing and reminding myself that I AM them.

Strangely enough, I'm committed to being in shape, feeling good, fit and healthy again. I'm making it a priority in my life.  My girlfriend messages me yesterday and wants to train together.  What better motivation than a partner, someone to cheer on their goals and work hard together with.  So starting Tuesday mornings I will be at Steve Nash in South Surrey at 630am to workout before work.  We are trial running the location and time this week to see how it works out - subject to change to evenings since I have to be up at 515am daily on this schedule. But we have a standing date.  

This morning I saw on a Facebook profile that someone was asking about books.  Well it turns out that a suggestion was the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman - amazing book and perspective on relationships.  So I bought the other suggestion this morning since I've already read and loved the Gary Chapman book.  What better than a peer review from someone that loved something as much as I did?

This morning I'm sleeping in because I'm excited to.  My bed is cozy, I've written my blog, I'm going to read until I doze off and enjoy some Raining on Sunday.  Like the Keith Urban song;).

http://youtu.be/4jG7wNoES8c

And I've committed to posting each and everyday even if just to remind myself how much there is to love about my life.  The picture below is just a rainy Thursday at the office. What a fabulous dog - and a rescue at that.  Funny how animals remind you about unconditional love and how important it is to give it for no reason.  Everyone and everything deserves love.  No matter what. 

Today Marks Day 1

So as you would presume from my blog title, I just woke up today and decided that I didn't want to feel like that anymore - so I'm going to change.

I'll give you a brief recap of how I got to the bottom of this ugly pit and then why I've decided it's time to pull my shit together and move onwards and upwards.  Because I'm not dwelling on the past too long, I'm only going to give you the overview:

1.) Carcinoma in Situ (non-invasive cervical cancer): diagnosed November 2010, 2 surgeries, 3 specialists, 6 biopsies, waiting on my 1 year negative biopsy results.
2.) Brachial Plexus: pinched nerve at my C6/C7 vertebrae nerve pinched in my left arm that put me through 6 weeks forced time off, many drugs and a very long recovery (4 months), that feels recovered now.
3.) Virus Infection: 3 weeks, antibiotics, massive skin infection, and I'll spare the rest of lovely symptom talk.

So as you can see, this piles up to a whole heap of shit - literally and figuratively if you count the virus infection that's currently.  This morning I woke up from my antibiotic coma and slight fever last night to feel clear.  Like incredibly clear.  So crystal clear on how I was going to do this, that I felt the need to put it out there for anyone to read.  And I don't know if maybe I haven't been clear for so long, but I made a promise to myself.  I'm not going to sit and wallow in my self-pity, crying why me, and asking when someone will stop all these bad things from happening.  I'm going to do it myself.  And I'm going to do it for myself.  And I'm going to be accountable cause I'm going to post it on the internet for anyone to read and comment on.  (Cue me having slight typing anxiety.)

So each day, I'm going to commit to changing the outcome of my personal circumstance.  I woke up this morning and I remembered this fabulous quote I saw - hence the reason for my blog post.  It said:
Actually, i just woke up one day and decided i didn't want to feel like that anymore, or ever again.
And it is with this great thought I decided that I'm not going to do it anymore either.  I've been letting myself be a victim of everything for so long I forgot what it's like to make myself important and do for me.

I'm not a victim, I'm a survivor.  I'm not dead, I have my whole life to look forward to.   I'm going to get healthy; take care of myself from the inside out.  I'm going to find the reasons to laugh in everything.  And if I don't have something nice to say, I won't be saying anything at all.  Somewhere I stopped saying yes to all life has to offer and started saying no.  I'm not going to say no anymore.  Life is about adventure, about happiness, about self discovery, about enjoying every minute cause I know all too well how quickly they pass.  I'm going to take each day as an opportunity to change my outlook and reshape the way my life and day plays out.  I'm going to stop talking about the things that bother me, becuase talking about them is bothering me more than the actual things themselves.  If if I do have to talk about them, I'm going to look at each

As I'm typing I'm thinking "damn, what did I commit to?!"  But actually I'm excited.  I feel like this is giving me purpose and purpose is what I need.  I need a path, a journey, an experience.  I was always really good at putting myself back together, so I think it's time I do that.

So here's to Me.  Stay tuned.